I didn't come here to fight you. I came here to violently kill you!
There is always one weird friend in the group. If you don't have one, then you are the weird friend.
If you were my husband I would poison your tea! If you were my wife, I'd drink it.
Do you have any idea how stupid we are? Don't underestimate us!!!
It's not a crime if you don't get caught.
People die if they are killed...
Laziness is the mother of all bad habits. But ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her.
I've made it a policy to not second-guess my instincts. It's more fun that way.
The loneliest people are the Kindest. The saddest people smile the Brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they don't wish to see anyone else suffer the way they did.
The difference between the novice and the master is that the master has failed more times than the novice has tried.
The world's not perfect, but it's there for us trying the best it can. That's what makes it so damn beautiful.
Fear is not evil. It tells you what your weakness is, and once you know your weakness, you become stronger as well as kinder.
There's no shame in falling down. True shame is to not stand up again.
If you only face forward, there is something you will miss seeing.
Humans are the only creatures who can mark the day they’re going to die on a calendar.
A lesson without pain is meaningless. For you cannot gain something without sacrificing something else in return. But once you have recovered it and made it your own... You will gain an irreplaceable treasure.
When do you think people die? When they are shot through the heart by the bullet of a pistol? No. When they are ravaged by an incurable disease? No. When they drink a soup made from a poisonous mushroom!? No! It’s when they are forgotten.
There are no miracles in this world. There is only coincidence and necessity, and what people make of it.
If you can't do something, then don't. Focus on what you can do.
Recklessness is the way of the young and tolerance is the beauty of adulthood.
Living your life to the fullest 'til the moment of your death, this is the rule to live by in any world.
Any treasure you obtain without ever having to work for it is no treasure at all.
Wish strongly, and keep thinking to make it come true. Continue to train, without giving up. These are the lessons we must hand down.
You must maintain an attitude of constant improvement, and never discount training you've received.
When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time. - The Airplane Law
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. - Allen's Law
Don't force it; get a larger hammer. - Anthony's Law of Force
Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. - Anthony's Law of the Workshop
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes. - Corollary to Anthony's Law of the Workshop
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. - Fourth Law of Applied Terror
The night before the English History midterm, your biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. - Corollary to the Fourth Law of Applied Terror
If you are given an openbook exam, you will forget your book. - Fifth Law of Applied Terror
If you are given a takehome exam, you will forget where you live. - Corollary to the Fifth Law of Applied Terror
If it should exist, it doesn't. - Arnold's First Law of Documentation
If it does exist, it's out of date. - Arnold's Second Law of Documentation
Only useless documentation transcends the first two laws. - Arnold's Third Law of Documentation
If you can't learn to do it well, you should learn to enjoy doing it badly. - Ashleigh's First Law
Interchangeable parts won't. - Laws of Assembly, II
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. - First Law of Bicycling
What you don't know will always hurt you. - First Law of Blissful Ignorance
Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out. - Second Law of Blissful Ignorance
The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches. - Bove's Theorem
The first pull on the cord ALWAYS sends the drapes in the wrong direction. - Boyle's Other Law
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, someone discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. - Brooke's Law
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. - Cannon's Law
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. - Captain Penny's Law
The only things that start on time are those that you're late for. - Cayo's Law
No project was ever completed on time and within budget. - Cheops Law
Hot glass looks the same as cold glass. - Dominic Cirino's Law of Burnt Fingers
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. - Clarke's First Law
The limits of the possible can only be defined by going beyond them into the impossible. - Clarke's Second Law
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. - Clarke's Third Law
Shredded cabbage goes great with shredded carrots and mayonnaise. - Cole's Law
Any given program, when running, is obsolete. - Laws of Computer Programming, I
Any given program costs more and takes longer. - Laws of Computer Programming, II
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. - Laws of Computer Programming, III
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. - Laws of Computer Programming, IV
Any program will expand to fill available memory. - Laws of Computer Programming, V
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. - Laws of Computer Programming, VI
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it. - Laws of Computer Programming, VII
Any nontrivial program contains at least one bug. - Laws of Computer Programming, VIII
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. - Laws of Computer Programming, IX
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. - Laws of Computer Programming, X
Design flaws travel in groups. - Fifth Law of Design
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. - Ducharme's Precept
Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear. - Ed's Fifth Rule of Procrastination
In approaching a double door, you will always go to the one door that is locked, pull when you should have pushed, and push when the sign says pull. - Ehre's DoubleDoor Law
Anything that can go wrong already has, you're just not aware of it yet! - Elson's Law
The other line moves faster. - Etorre's Observation
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. - Finagle's First Law
No matter what the experiment's result, there will always be someone eager to: (a) misinterpret it. (b) fake it. or (c) believe it supports his own pet theory. - Finagle's Second Law
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. - Finagle's Third Law
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. - Finagle's Fourth Law
Chicken Little only has to be right once. - Firestone's Law of Forecasting
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. - Flugg's Law
If you knew what you were doing, you'd probably be bored. - Fresco's Law
Push something hard enough and it will fall over. - Fudd's First Law
Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after and only after the design is complete. (Often called the 'Now They Tell Us' Law) - Fyfe's First Law of Revision
In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way so as to expedite subsequent revision. - Fyfe's First Law of Revision Corollary I
The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more the design will have to be redrawn. - Fyfe's Second Law of Revision
If, when completion of a design is imminent, field dimensions are finally supplied as they actually are, instead of as they were meant to be, it is always simpler to start over from scratch. - Fyfe's Third Law of Revision
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences if you have none, someone will make one for you. - Fyfe's Third Law of Revision Corollary I
A little ignorance can go a long way. - Gerrold's Law
An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction. - Gerrold's First Law of Infernal Dynamics
An object at rest will be in the wrong place. - Gerrold's Second Law of Infernal Dynamics
It ain't necessarily so. - Gershwin's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly. - Gold's Law
2 is not equal to 3 not even for very large values of 2. - Grabel's Law
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers. - Grossman's Law
When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, the aircraft will encounter turbulence. - Gunter's First Law of Air Travel
The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of you coffee. - Gunter's Second Law of Air Travel
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. - Hanlon's Razor
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. - Hartley's First Law
If you wait, it will go away. - Hellrung's Law
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account. - Hofstadter's Law
The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet. - Jennings' Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. - Joe's Law
Any quotation that can be altered will be. - Keyes First Rule of Misquotation
Famous dead people make excellent commentators on current events. - Keyes Fifth Corrollary on Misquotation
In a pinch, any orphan quote can be called a Chinese proverb. - Keyes Eleventh Rule of Misquotation
Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly. - Klipstein's Law
Any product cut to length will be too short. - Klipstein's Observation
The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again. - Korman's Law
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. - de la Lastra's Law
After an access cover has been secured by 16 holddown screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted. - de la Lastra's Corollary
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. - Levy's Eighth Law
Louie's "IF" Rules, created and cultivated by Louis Spanoudis:
1.If it ain't no big deal, don't worry about it.
2.If you can't do anything about it, don't worry about it.
3.If it's someone else's problem, don't worry about it.
4.If it's easily fixed, it don't matter whose fault it was.
5.If it's done it's done, if it can't be undonedon't worry about it.
6.If there's no damage, don't make a project out of it.
If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. - Lowery's Law
There's always one more bug. - Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology
If a computer cable has one end, then it has another. - Lyall's Conjecture
The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing. - Lyall's Fundamental Observation
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. - Maier's Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. - Main's Law
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. - Manley's Maxim
The shortest distance between two points is under construction. - McGregor's Revised Maxim
In a social situation, the most difficult thing to do is usually the right thing to do. - Meyers Law
If at first you don't succeed, read the manual. - Montgomery's Maxim
If anything can go wrong, it will. - Murphy's Law
If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it. - Murphy's Original Law
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. - Murphy's First Corollary
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. - Murphy's Second Corollary
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. - Murphy's Constant
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are. - Murphy's First Military Law
Friendly fire isn't. - Murphy's Second Military Law
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. - Murphy's Third Military Law
Incoming fire has the right of way. - Murphy's Fourth Military Law
The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose. - Murphy's Fifth Military Law
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. - Murphy's Sixth Military Law
Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants. - Murphy's Seventh Military Law
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. - Murphy's Eighth Military Law
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. - Murphy's Ninth Military Law
Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'. - Murphy's Tenth Military Law
If you need four screws for the job, the first three are easy to find. - The N1 Law
Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. - NonReciprocal Law of Expectations
If you change lines, the one you just left will start to move faster than the one you are now in. - O'Brian's Law
Variables won't, constants aren't. - Osborn's Law
Murphy was an optimist. - O'Toole's Commentary
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. - Perversity of Nature Law
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out. - The Third Law of Photography
More often than not, the water you clean your brushes in will start to look like coffee. It will not taste like coffee. - Painter's Law of Watercolors
Do not place your coffee next to the cup you clean your brushes in. - Painter's 2nd Law of Watercolors
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere will not hate it. - Pohl's Law
Everything costs more and takes longer. - Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules
Everything goes wrong all at once. - Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law
When travelling down the freeway, the first bug to hit a clean windshield will always land directly in front of the driver's face. - Quigley's Law of Highway Driving
The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are in the wrong line. - The Queue Principal
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences. If you have none, someone will make one for you. - The Fourth Law of Revision
The most delicate component will be dropped. - Rosenfield's Regret
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. - Rule of Accuracy
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you have tried. - Rule of Failure
If nobody uses it, there's a reason. - Rule of Reason
It works better if you plug it in. - Sattinger's Law
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. - Segal's Law
An object will fall so as to do the most damage. - Selective Gravity Law
Celibacy is not hereditary. - First Law of SocioGenetics
Technology don't transfer. - Stenton's Law
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. - Van Roy's Law
Progress is made on alternate Fridays. - Weinberg's First Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. - Weinberg's Second Law
There are no answers, only cross references. - Weiner's Law of Libraries
A few months in the laboratory can save a few hours in the library. - Westheimer's Law
Assumption is the mother of all screwups. - Wethern's Law
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. - Wiker's Law
No experiment is reproducible. - Wyszowski's Law
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough. - Wyszkowski's Second Law
Nobody notices when things go right. - Zimmerman's Law of Complaints
People are always available for work in the past tense. - Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a bigger can. - Zymurgy's First Law of Systems Dynamics
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Singlecelled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
Fell out of the family tree.
He is so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
Technically sound, but socially impossible.
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
This employee is really not so much of a 'hasbeen', but more of a definite 'won't be'.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far...and the sooner he starts, the better.
Got a full 6pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
A gross ignoramus 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
He's been working with glue too much.
He would argue with a signpost.
He has a knack for making strangers immediately.
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
If you see two people talking and one looks bored...he's the other one.
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.
It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Lt. "Spud" who having newly risen to battery XO was about to perform his first "hip shoot" (hasty emplacement and shoot while on the move). Thank God he was being evaluated. He was about to fire 3200 out (in a the complete opposite direction of what he should have done). Would've been bad enough but when we calculated out where his first round would've likely landed it worked out to have been just about a bullseye on the post commander's mansion.
“Don’t worry if it doesn’t work right. If everything did, you’d be out of a job.” - Mosher’s Law of Software Engineering
“Fine, Java MIGHT be a good example of what a programming language should be like. But Java applications are good examples of what applications SHOULDN’T be like.” - pixadel
"In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they’re not." - Yoggi Berra
"Perl – The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption." - Keith Bostic
"Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday's code." - Christopher Thompson
"Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it." - Brian W. Kernighan.
“Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer. There are three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris.” - Larry Wall
“The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it’s too late.” - Seymour Cray
"Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live." - Martin Golding
“There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.” - C.A.R. Hoare
"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity." - Albert Einstein
"One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man." - Elbert Hubbard
"The greatest achievement of humanity is not its works of art, science, or technology, but the recognition of its own dysfunction." - Eckhart Tolle
"Ethics change with technology." - Larry Niven
"Science and technology revolutionize our lives, but memory, tradition and myth frame our response." - Arthur M. Schlesinger
“Nobody dies a virgin, life fucks us all.” - Kurt Cobain
Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.
My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.
Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.
Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.
Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.
Not allowed to join the Communist Party.
Not allowed to join any militia.
Not allowed to form any militia.
Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”
Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.
God may not contradict any of my orders.
May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.
May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.
Must not taunt the French any more.
Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.
Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.
Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.
Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”
Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
Don’t take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.
Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
(Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker”)
Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn’t over).
Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.
Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.
Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
I do not have super-powers.
“Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.
Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.
Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
I am not the atheist chaplain.
I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy’s little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.
I am not authorized to fire officers.
I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.
Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.
Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.
Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.
“Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.
An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.
An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.
The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”
The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
“The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.
If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.
It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.
I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.
May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.
Woad is not camouflage makeup.
May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
“Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around” is *not* a cadence.
The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”
I may not call block my chain of command.
I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
May not form any press gangs.
Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”
Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.
Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.
If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.
Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.
Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.
Nerve gas is not funny.
Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
“Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.
Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”
A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.
My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not “Airborne leads the wa- oh…sorry sir”.
There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song “Hot Stuff”.
I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
Crucifying mice – bad idea.
Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires – therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
I cannot arrest children for being rude.
An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.
Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
“No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.
“Shpadoinkle” is not a real word.
The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.
“I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!” while out on a mission is bad.
Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
Even if my commander did it.
Must not teach interpreters how to make “MRE” bombs.
I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.
“Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT.
I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window.
“K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.
I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
Putting red “Mike and Ike’s” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”
The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”.
Shouldn’t treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.
Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.
If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
The revolution is not now.
When detained by MP’s, I do not have a right to a strip search.
No part of the military uniform is edible.
Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
Take that hat off.
There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
I do not get “that time of month”.
No, the pants are not optional.
Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”
Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.
On training missions, try not to shoot down the General’s helicopter.
“A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.
I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it’s actually DOD policy).
We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.
Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.
I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man’s body”.
On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.
Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”.
Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.
My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.
My name is not a killing word.
I am not the Emperor of anything.
Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.
Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
Must not make s’mores while on guard duty.
Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
The proper response to a briefing is not “That’s what you think”.
The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
Shouldn’t take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
Shouldn’t use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
I am not allowed to give tattoos.
I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.
Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.
I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the “Safety Dance” and the “Safety Briefing” are never to be combined.
“To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an “Easter Desecration.”
Don’t write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. (”Broken clutch pedal”, “Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs”, “flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged”)
Not allowed to get shot.
The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are “hearing conversations” from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism…this was the same dinner.)
Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing “Eat Pork or Die” in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
Don’t ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
Do not convince NCO’s that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.